Applying Leadership Principles to your Personal Life: Priorities

John C. Maxwell outlines “Priority Principles” in his book, Leadership 101: What Every Leader Needs to Know. There are many books and resources which teach us about becoming effective and powerful leaders in our professional lives.

What about taking some of those same principles and applying them in your personal life?

Let’s look at some of Maxwell’s Priority Principles and focus them in the direction of our personal roles as mom, wife, partner, friend, family member and community member.

• Priorities never “stay put”: Depending on where you are in life and what you want in life, your priorities are ever-changing. On a bigger level, before you have children, perhaps your career was at the top of the list. Once you have a family, perhaps that moves up and the career moves down. If you have health issues, that may move to the top. On a daily level, your priorities also can change based on which family member has what going on, what big work project is in front of you, which friend is going through a rough time, etc.

As Maxwell suggests, there are three pieces to the priority puzzle which can help you determine what priorities need to be where at any particular time.

1. Evaluate your priorities on a regular basis (weekly, monthly). I encourage you to not only evaluate your priorities on a regular basis, but also get in the habit of discussing and evaluating your family priorities with your spouse/partner on a regular basis. Often arguments arise, resentment occurs, and disconnect sets-in when couples fail to share and discuss their individual and collective priorities, goals and dreams.
2. Eliminate the items from your list that can be done by someone else. Where can you get help? What are the things you don’t want to do, don’t like to do, or aren’t good at doing? You can have it all, but you can’t DO it all. Delegate what can be done by someone else faster, easier or better then if you try to squeeze it in with everything else on your plate.
3. Estimate how much time you want to spend of your top projects and priorities—now double that—and then work it into your schedule. As multi-taskers, we often underestimate the amount of time it will take to do things, but we also underestimate the amount of time we want to do things. If you end up saying yes to everything you are invited to on the weekends, thinking that you can just stop by this party for thirty minutes, and then catch twenty minutes of your kids game, and then spend an hour having coffee with a friend, only to find out that you would have loved to have stayed at the party longer, and then you were running late so you showed up at your kids game right when it was over, and then you had to end your great girl time talk with your friend in mid-conversation to make it to your next appointment….you see where I am going with this. How would it feel to say yes to less things so you have more time to enjoy your priorities.

• You cannot overestimate the unimportance of practically everything: What are the things that you can overlook? What details matter and which ones don’t? Do you feel like you don’t have time for everything because you are spending time on things that don’t really, really matter? Perfectionism and the desire to control everything are two vices that I see working moms struggle with again and again. Breaking perfectionism and letting go of some of the control, especially on the things that aren’t that important, will be your saving grace.

• Too many priorities paralyze us: You know the feeling. Everything feels important and needs your attention and therefore nothing fully gets your attention. I see this over and over again with high-achieving, professional, successful moms. They are organized and effective at work, but then they get home and let things fall apart. They get home and feel exhausted, thus making decisions based on what's easiest, not necessarily what's best for them or their family. Overwhelm from the rest of life kicks in and chaos unfolds. This is why creating success strategies and solutions in your home and personal life can dramatically increase your overall life success, not to mention your sanity.

• When little priorities demand too much of us, big problems arise: This is inline with overlooking what doesn’t really matter. When we don’t overlook the little things and they take our time and attention away from the big things, that’s when all chaos breaks loose. If you focus on the cleaning needs of the house in the moment when your children really need a few minutes of your time and attention, often the demand for your attention will increase. Stop. Give your kids (the bigger priority then the house) even just 15 minutes of your attention and love and I promise they will then give you plenty of time later for the house. Ignore their requests for your attention and the bigger their demands will become.

• Time deadlines and emergencies force us to prioritize: Have you ever noticed that the times we have deadlines looming the more effective we tend to be the more we get done? Then there are those times when you have no deadline in sight and it seems as if the project or priority could just go on and on waiting for you to give it your attention. Deadlines do help make us effective and kick us into gear. However, because work deadlines seem to be more readily available then personal deadlines, I often see clients bump the personal priorities because of the professional deadlines. How can you start setting deadlines for your personal priorities in a way that helps motivate and kick you into gear to deliver on your word? If you’ve been saying over and over again that you and your husband need to start going on monthly dates, set the date and plan an event that requires tickets to be purchased or a reservation to be made. This will push you to find a babysitter and make whatever arrangements need to be made to follow-through with the priority. Same thing with taking time for yourself or your kids. Make a reservation for a day at the Spa and send an email to co-workers immediately letting them know you’ll be out of the office that day. Sit down with your child and look at the calendar. Set a date for your event and start making plans. Use the Law of Deadlines in your favor to help you make time for your personal priorities now, rather then later…later…later.

• Too often we learn too late what is really important: As Senator Paul Tsongas said, “Nobody on his [or her] deathbed ever said, ‘I wish I had spent more time on my business [or cleaning the house].’ Unfortunately, for some, emergencies eliminate the chance to make different choices and set different priorities. Don’t wait for the emergencies or Wake Up Calls to occur to start making time for what really matters to you now.

It IS Personal

I have heard on more than one occasion that you shouldn't mix the personal with the professional. Well, that's a bunch of B.S. The two are so inter-mixed, especially for those who are moms and who are doing work they love or feel they are doing what they are called to do on a professional level.

And what about the fact that when one is working, they are still a mother, a wife, a partner, a daughter, a friend, etc. Those aspects of your personal life don't just magically disappear when you are working.

Life--work and all--IS personal. It's an expression of who we are, what we love and what we stand for.

So thinking that there's some magical balance or line between your professional world and your personal world is part of what makes working women feel even more crazed. We are striving for something that is an impossibility.

Instead, think about what Total Life Success means to you. How do you want to define success on a personal and professional level? What would feel good to you? How do you want to feel as a mother? As a wife? As a leader? As a woman?

Use how you feel as the barometer for your success. If you have a nagging feeling about working through dinner a lot lately and not eating with the family, make a different choice that feels better. If you've been thinking a lot about wanting some time to do some work outside the home that supports your professional interests, but haven't out of guilt or fear of how it will impact your family, make a different choice that feels better.

It's not about defining yourself in this box or that box and expecting you to only be this during these hours and that during these hours. Yes, we do need some time when we focus on just one thing, otherwise we end up feeling less productive or like we are not present with the things or people we most care about.

But we are multi-faceted, multi-dimensional, dynamic woman. It's okay to acknowledge and appreciate the fact that the personal is mixed in with the professional and the professional is mixed in with the personal. Perhaps if we stop resisting it so much, things would flow a little easier. And we could each experience our own Total Life Success based on who we are, what we love, and how we feel.

-----------------------------------
Interested in defining your own Total Life Success based on who you are, what you stand for, and how you want to feel? Contact me at nicola[dot]trueinsightscoaching[dot]com for a complimentary coaching consultation, which includes a twenty minute sample session.

Got sleep?

It’s no secret that getting sleep is a good thing, and the impacts of not getting enough are huge. It’s also not a secret that many people don’t get enough sleep, especially working moms. Although it’s one of the most important ingredients to living a happy and healthy life, it often falls to the bottom of the list when you are a busy parent juggling the complexities of both the personal and professional areas of your life.

On a personal note, last night I had a crappy night of sleep. I had trouble falling asleep, I had trouble staying asleep, and when I was asleep my brain was still going a mile-a-minute, which made me wish I wasn’t asleep. So, while I laid in bed this morning wishing that I felt a bit better rested and wondering how I was going to get through the day without snapping someone’s head off, I made a mental note of my plan for tonight based on what I know has worked for me in the past.

1. Commit to being in bed by 9:30 p.m. and light off by 10:00 p.m. NO MATTER WHAT! This was my intention last night, but darn that laundry needed to be folded and then I got sucked into American Idol (which I never watch).
2. Turn off the computer and stop all things work related at least one hour before going to bed (which means 8:30 p.m.). You know how it goes, you plan to do “just one more thing” for work and then that turns into that and then you remember that and the next thing you know you’ve spent two hours on the computer instead of the thirty minutes you intended to just finish a small project. Last night for me it was getting caught up in figuring out how to set up a feed subscription for my blog (Note: which you can now do on the right!). It was not surprise that my dreams where about RSS feeds and my half-awake-half-asleep thoughts were in trying to figure it all out. My brain is working on overtime enough when I am awake, I don’t need it trying to work when I am asleep.
3. Drink a warm (not hot) cup of milk thirty minutes before bedtime (which means 9:00 p.m.). Note to self: this does not mean a cup of warm milk with chocolate in it and whipped cream on top, which is what I had last night.
4. Exercise in the morning, which improves my sleep by the end of the day.
5. Allow for at least twenty minutes of no-brainer reading before turning out the light (which means 9:40 p.m.). I often use this time to read a coaching, professional development or self-help book for work purposes. The problem with this is that my brain then starts swirling with ideas and it’s hard to calm it down. On the other hand, when I pick up a no-brainer book or magazine, I find that I can barely keep my eyes open ten minutes later.
6. Crack window to allow for cool fresh air in the room, which always helps with my sleep.
7. Spend a few minutes with the light out, my head on the pillow, and my eyes shut to visualize how I want to feel the next day (i.e. healthy, happy, present, energetic, focused, etc.). For I have come to learn that regardless of what my sleep looks like from night to night, the point of my desire for good sleep is to feel a certain way. Sometimes I can feel this way with a night that hasn’t gone so great. And other times I can sleep through the entire night soundly, and wake up feeling like I’ve been hit by a bus.
   

As a parent you know that nights can sometimes be unpredictable. Creating (and sticking to) a sleep plan for yourself that supports you in feeling the way you want to feel during the day is a valuable exercise. But that’s only one piece of the equation. If you haven’t helped your child(ren) learn healthy sleep habits, it will be challenging for you to stick to yours.

I’ll get on my “Children Need Healthy Sleep Habits” soapbox in the next post. Until then, I dare you to put a plan in writing that will help you get more and better sleep. Try it for two weeks straight and let me know how you feel!

-------------------------------------------------------
And If you’re interested in a blog all about sleep, check out Snoozester. It's got some great links to recent and relevant articles and studies around adult and child sleep.

Photos Tell Powerful Stories

A client of mine just shared with me this piece she wrote as a way of expressing her deep emotion around the recent disasters in Asia. I was moved to tears by it and asked if I could share it here. I am happy to say that she said yes.

Photos tell powerful stories, and I have been struck in recent days by three sets of photographs. All feature similar subjects but in vastly different circumstances.

In one group of photos, taken by teachers in my daughter’s daycare, the toddlers are busy doing art projects, reading books, and going on walks in the California sunshine. The kids are adorable, engrossed in the water fountain on campus and making paper flowers for Mother’s Day.

In another set of photos, a similarly adorable group of young children gathers around a tent, a makeshift shelter in central China. Their orphanages were deemed unsafe following the earthquake and its aftershocks. The teachers and nannies care for not only their current charges but also incoming children, newly orphaned by the disaster.

In the final set of photos, the most disturbing, children’s gray-blue bodies are washed up on the shores of the Irrawaddy River or lined up for identification in the hard-hit area of Burma’s delta.

These scenes strike a chord professionally and personally. I work with an organization that researches human rights abuses and attitudes toward justice and social reconstruction following mass atrocities. Close colleagues were in Burma when the storm struck, and they saw the devastation firsthand. They helped deliver supplies and assisted local organizations to monitor the sham referendum choreographed by the junta.

China’s tragedy also hit close to home. We adopted our daughter from the stricken region nearly two years ago and spent a week in Chongqing, breathing diesel fumes in the sweltering heat. I look at her in the photo with her current classmates and imagine how easily she could be among the children now sleeping in tents, or worse.

The events in Asia seem overwhelming and beyond any one person’s capacity to assist in a meaningful way. So what can be done?

For my own sake, I am motivated to do three things:

1. Give what I can to relief efforts. I am grateful to people on the ground providing what aid and comfort are possible.
2. Actually make an emergency plan with my family. Earthquakes and powerful storms are imminent possibilities here on the edge of the ocean.
3. Squeeze my daughter a little more, tell her I love her and I am glad she is part of my life in this fortunate part of the world.

Written by Camille C.

Movement vs. Momentum

mo•men•tum: the impetus to go forward, develop, or get stronger*

move•ment: the act, process, or an instance of moving*


Lately I’ve been feeling like there’s been a lot of movement, but not necessarily much momentum. I’ve felt busy, but not necessarily like my goals have been moving forward. When this happens, I realize that I feel less productive and present at both work and home. My time is taken up by often small, random tasks (movement) without the intention and focus of really moving my goals forward (momentum).

With the help of my own coach, I’ve started focusing on three High Pay Off Actions per day. These are actions that I determine the night before and list day-by-day for each work day. These are actions that are the smaller steps to my bigger goals.

I’ll admit that it’s felt a bit uncomfortable. Not the concept, because I totally get the process and recommend it to my own clients. Instead, the discomfort has come in the amount of time and energy this has freed up. By focusing on the High Pay Off Actions during my scheduled pockets of time, I find that I am wasting less time “trying” to be productive. So I am spending less time and energy on my work, but the actions I am taking are things that are building momentum, rather then just simply being movement.

Sometimes my High Pay Off Action is just sitting for 10 minutes with my eyes closed connecting to my vision. These ten minutes of visualization does more for me than two hours of pushing papers or responding to emails.

Here’s the analogy: When you are running, you can move your body and expend a certain amount of energy and not really get very far. If you waste a lot of movement in flailing arms or upward motion, you are moving, but not necessarily building momentum to help you move forward. You may finish your run or make it across the finish line, but it’s going to take you longer and you’ll have used a lot more energy.

Compare that to running with a form that supports your intention to move your body forward. You’ll be using yours muscles and movement in a way that builds momentum and with less energy the momentum will propel you forward. You end up finishing at the same place, but in less time and using much less energy.

Are you making choices and taking actions that take your time and energy, but just feel like movement? Or are you making choices and taking action that take your time and energy and which builds momentum to continue to move you forward? It’s your choice!

*Definitions from Collins Essential English Dictionary 2nd Edition 2006 © HarperCollins Publishers 2004, 2006

A Different Approach

I was sent this article earlier and found it very interesting. Patty Wipfler, of the non-profit organization Hand in Hand, recommends becoming a "Vigorous Snuggler" when your children are "caught up in a behavior that isn't working for them or you." Upon the first read, I was a bit skeptical. How does making light of the times your child is not listening to you or doing (or not doing) what you have requested beneficial? Don't they need to know that you are serious? And who has the time to get into a snuggle-fest each time your kid doesn't listen?

But then I tried the approach with my own 3-year-old this morning who has gotten into the habit of whining and making the same request over and over and over, regardless of how many times and how stern I give her the answer.

Following is a recap of our usual breakfast conversation.

Me: "Do you want crunchy cereal for breakfast or toast with peanut butter?" (Note: using two choice option, which I've come to learn doesn't necessarily always work).

Lindsay: "I want you to decide."(spoken in whiny voice)

Me: "OK, I choose toast with peanut butter."

Lindsay: "Nooooo....I don't want toast with peanut butter." (spoken in even whiner voice)

Sound familiar? Then you probably know how the rest of this goes.

But this morning when I asked her what she wanted and she said "You decide" I got down to her level, I "snuggled" her in my arms and and in a funny and light-hearted voice gave her three choices, one of which was a bowl of mud with flies on top. She immediately started laughing and said, "Ewwww...that would be yucky." And then she proceeded to quickly make her choice between the two non-yucky options.

Maybe it was just a fluke this morning. But I'll tell you something, I found myself enjoying the morning much more with her after that interaction. The Vigorous Snuggler concept encourages parents to have a bit more fun in their parenting, lighten-up and see that sometimes you can get the results you want by choosing a communication style that better resonates with children.

If you try this yourself, please share you comments!

Peace Be With You

I thought that I’d want to sleep in yesterday, being that it was Mother’s Day and all. However, instead I found myself wide-awake before anyone else was up. I took this chance to start the coffee and have some quiet time in the house before the other bodies started stirring. What a pleasant feeling. I now understand why a number of moms I know purposely get up in the early hours to get some alone time before the kids wake up.

My time alone yesterday morning was relatively short, but the gift I received during that time was timeless.

I sat down at one end of the couch. A place I don’t sit very often, especially since we’ve moved the living room furniture around. But on this morning, I sat down and immediately my gaze went to the window to my side. Ordinarily this window’s view is nothing other then the side of the neighbor’s garage. But not yesterday.

Yesterday the view was of one dove perched on the top of the garage. For ten minutes or so I sat there and watched this bird puff up its feathers and then “deflate”. And all I could think, over and over again, is that this is what I want to feel in my life—in all areas of my life: PEACE.

I want to feel at peace with my career; at peace with my relationship with my husband; at peace with my relationship and parenting of my children; at peace with my friendships and community; at peace with my body and health. I want to feel a certain peace and contentment and ease. What these things look like is less important to me. How these things feel is everything.

If peace is my feeling of choice, then my next step is to ask myself, “What choices am I making that support that feeling in my life? Which are not?”

We each get to choose how it is we want to feel in our lives. There are many other things I want to feel: happiness, passion, joy, connection (just to name a few), but at the core of all of those, for me, is peace. There are many choices to make in life. There are many paths to choose. I believe that the choice and the path matters less then the peace you feel about the choice or path.

When you are faced with a choice or a new path in front of you, ask yourself these simple questions.

Which will feel more peaceful? Which will bring me a greater sense of peace in my life?

The simple part is asking the questions. The more challenging part is to listen to the answer and then to act accordingly.

I will hold the image of the dove on Mother’s Day as my reminder to choose peace.

And may peace be with you as well…