Qualities of a Great Man

In honor of my husband's birthday, I thought I would dedicate this blog entry to him and share some of the qualities of a great man (which he is).

Last year I interviewed nearly fifty professional women on the topic of having "the best of both worlds" for a project I am working on. The one common denominator that influenced whether the women felt that they did, in deed, have the best of both worlds was the level of involvement from their spouse or partner. Those who felt that they were doing a good job at, and enjoying more, both their career and motherhood said that they had a man at home who was either just as involved, if not more so, on the home front.

I am blessed to have one of these men in my own life.

• He understands the value of family time: My husband shares with me a desire for regular family meals. It is uncommon in our house for us to have dinner without all family members around the table. This doesn't mean that we eat late. Instead, my husband makes it a point to be home around 6:00 p.m. so that we can all eat together. This is his choice and is based on he and I communicating about our shared vision for our family. He could choose to work later, but he knows that the consequences of doing so are lost time and memories with his kids...and the wrath of his wife who would not be happy with a different choice.
  

• He strikes a nice balance between playing with the kids and parenting the kids: My husband is happy to get down on the ground a play with the girls, whether it's Tickle Monster or doll house. He will take them to the park and play tag or try out the equipment. However, he does not leave all the discipline and tougher parenting issues to me. He is right there, by my side, when we need to give time-outs, have a difficult conversation, or enforce the rules. He often reminds me that boundaries and consistency - and play - are the keys to raising happy, healthy and well-balanced kids.
  

• He wants to protect and provide, but not dictate: In my previous life, I had a hard time not being in control of everything. I also had a hard time letting someone else take care of me. Over time, and with the help of my husband, I've learned how wonderful it can feel to have an actual partner; someone who shares the load, steps up when the other is down, and makes it clear that he has my back and is watching out for the best interests of our family. He's not dictating or controlling any part of our life, instead he is sharing the responsibility of life.

• He really listens to me and hears me: Just the other night, after he came home from work and I shared with him how exhausted I was feeling, he immediately told me to get in to bed and let him handle dinner and baths. My "I don't want to be weak" side struggled with this, but I allowed myself to receive the gift. After he got the kids settled he came in to talk to me and find out more about what was going on. In that moment, I felt like I was so loved and cared for. He really heard me when he came home and supported me in taking care of myself.
  

• He does his fair share (if not more): I can't tell you how many times I have heard a fellow mom tell me that her marriage was saved by the cleaning lady. From what I know about other men and relationships, I understand that the topic of cleaning the house can be one that sends many marriages into turmoil. That is not our case. Again, my husband sees our house and the chores that go along with it as a joint responsibility. We share the value of a clean and healthy house and a vision of working together for it to be the way we like. We have a list of all the house related tasks and we've easily divided up who does what. It's become so relaxed that now we may even switch chores from week to week, but without much conversation or issue around doing so.

I could go on and on. But I think I'll stop for today.

Consider this: What qualities and actions are you grateful for in your own husband or partner? Focus on those first. If there are things that aren't feeling okay, get really clear about why they are bothering you (is it about respect, difference in parenting styles, not feeling loved) and then set up a time to have a heart-to-heart with your partner about how you are feeling and what you'd like to see change.

An Unfortunate Reminder

I just got word that the father of one of my step-daughter's best friends died earlier this week.

Wow. Talk about a blow. Talk about a WAKE UP CALL.

My mind can't help but wander to the heartache that his wife of ten years must be going through. Or how his 8 year-old and 5 year-old daughters are doing.

He was only a few weeks older then my own husband. Unbelievable.

It's times like these that zap me back to what's really important.

It is reminder to:

• Tell your spouse and children how much they mean to you.
• Take the time and effort to stay connected to your spouse and not let the relationship run on "auto-pilot".
• Check in with yourself and ask, "Where am I settling? If I die tomorrow, what would I regret? What changes can I make today to start living a more passionate, authentic life?"
  
• Make sure that you have talked through the unthinkable with your spouse and have taken the actions that will support either one of you if, God forbid, something like this happens in your family.
• Focus on all that you are grateful for and all that is good in the world.
  
• Choose to be present and engaged with those around you. STOP multi-tasking and consciously BE in the moment--those are the moments that you, your spouse and your children will remember.
  

Tips for Nurturing Your Relationship

Life with kids is busy, right? You barely feel like you have enough time to get the necessities done (feed and clean kids, take care of house, work, appointments, etc.). For many people, the two areas of our life which have the greatest impact on our overall happiness and satisfaction fall to the very, very, VERY bottom of the 'Life List'.

1) Time to nurture self
2) Time to nurture your love relationship

Let's talk about the relationship piece here.

Of course, over time and with more responsibilities added to the mix (i.e. kids), there is going to be less focus on 'couple time'. However, when we choose to let everything else in life trump nurturing our love relationship, we are asking for trouble.

Parents wonder why the spark has burnt out or why in a few short years they have gone from being connected and in love to not even knowing who they are married to anymore.

It's called a lack of nurturing.

Take a plant for example. A really strong, hearty plant may be able to survive for awhile with no water, attention and nurturing. But that's really all it's doing: it's surviving. And over time it becomes weaker and weaker and less able to handle the tough times (extreme weather, a move, being trampled, etc.). Give a plant with good roots even just a little water, attention and nurturing and that can be the difference between it surviving versus thriving.

However, a less sturdy plant may not last long at all without these essential elements.

So it is for a relationship. A relationship with strong roots (foundation) can usually survive without the needs of both people being met continuously; without active love, attention and nurturing. But you are simply surviving, not thriving.

A relationship that doesn't have strong roots or is already weak may not be able to survive without the essential elements of time, connection and nurturing.

A little, consistent nurturing can go a long way and help deepen the roots of any relationship.

Nurturing is what helps a plant grow stronger.
Nurturing is what keeps a plant alive.
Nurturing is what helps a relationship grow stronger.
Nurturing is what is keeps a relationship alive.

What are you doing to nurture your love relationship? You don't have to spend a lot of time to nurture it, but you do need to give it some heart. This is one of those areas where the idea of "quality over quantity" is really true. Your nurturing acts or moments do not need to take long.

• It's the small things like little notes to simply remind your spouse that you are thinking of him/her.
  
• It's the conversations beyond, "what's going on with the kids?" and "what's the schedule for next week?"
  
• It's the few minutes of snuggling before you fall asleep.
• It's taking a few brief moments to actually look in your partners eyes when they walk in the door and greet them with warmth.
  
• It's making one night a week your night, whether you have a babysitter or not, to eat dinner together (alone), sit on the couch and talk, or work on a project together; to connect and interact on a deeper level then the practicalities of life and parenting.
  

Tips for success:

1. Set the intention now to nurture your relationship each and every day.
   
2. Be open and inspired by what ideas you have (big or small) to support this intention.
   
3. When a thought comes to mind ("I want to call Mike and tell him I am thinking of him"), act on it if you can in that moment. Don't over-analyze it or rationalize it away. Take the inspired action. Those are the ones that usually take the least time, are the most pleasurable for us, and have the best results.
   
4. Start each day with the reminder and intention to notice and act on small ways to nurture your relationship.
   
5. End each day checking in with yourself as to what you did to nurture your relationship.
   
6. Better yet, discuss the idea of consciously nurturing your relationship with your spouse/partner and do the checking in with each other at the end of the day.

Designate a Date Day

Remember what it used to be like before kids when you could wake up on a weekend morning and know you had the whole day ahead of you to play around with your spouse or partner? You could sleep in. You could fool around (wink, wink) in the middle of the day. You could go out for a leisurely lunch. You could take in a movie without worrying about rushing home. You could get out of the house and the day-to-day life management stuff and just enjoy being together…for an entire day.

Why not do that now? My husband and I had a date day on Friday. Yep, an entire day. Well, from nine in the morning until four thirty in the afternoon, but when you’ve only had a few brief hours alone over the course of months, nearly eight in the same day feels like an entire day.

How did we do it? We both took the day off. Yep, he took the day off because he knew he was going to have to work over the weekend and, being self-employed, I cleared my own calendar for the day. After dropping the kids off at school and day care, which they would have been going to if we were working, we started our date day together.

Did we feel guilty? Mildly.

Did we do it anyway? You betcha!

And what did we do? Well, after kissing in the car wash (yes, we felt like teenagers), we spent the first three hours of our date day negotiating the purchase of our car at a dealership. Were we thrilled with the length of time we were there? Not necessarily. But we were happy to be there together taking care of something we needed to do without two young kids in tow. (Can you even imagine trying to entertain an eight-year-old and three-year-old at a car dealership for three hours?)

After that it was off to a relaxing lunch at a restaurant we’ve been meaning to try. The hostess must have known that this was a special day for us as she sat us at the back table for two, tucked away from the noisy crowd. We’re use to being put in the back of a restaurant, but it’s usually because we have the small kids in tow. Not this time. In fact, not only were our kids not around, but no other kids were either!

Next, we killed some time wandering through a bookstore before heading to a movie. We agreed that we could easily spend an entire afternoon browsing through a bookstore, especially without children asking to buy things or climbing up the shelves.

And then there was the movie. We got a good chuckle when we walked in to an entirely empty theater. Hmmm….perhaps another opportunity to steal some kisses? Not quite, because a few others did show up, but the thought made us both smile.

I can honestly say that I really did feel more connected to my husband at the end of the day. We held hands more. We kissed more. We talked more. We definitely laughed more. And we came home feeling happy about our day, happy about our relationship, and exhausted from a day spent focused on us.

Your Relationship Deserves More

Over and over again I hear from women who I am talking to about the concept of having the best of both worlds—a successful professional life and a fulfilling personal life, with the energy to enjoy it—is how hard it is to stay connected in their marriage with young kids.

Having a successful career or running a successful business takes time, energy and attention. Raising healthy, happy and well-adjusted children takes time, energy and attention. Having a fun and fulfilling relationship takes time, energy and attention. For whatever reasons, the first two usually trump the last when it comes to where you choose to put your time, energy and attention.

However, if you really do want to have the best of both worlds, which includes having a loving, fulfilling and connected relationship with your spouse or partner, you need to start giving that relationship some of your time, energy and attention now. If you don’t, the best case scenario is that you’ll be in a relationship that doesn’t particularly feel good to you. Worst case scenario is that you’ll both feel so disconnected over time that you’ll forget what even brought you together in the first place.

I am going to start offering relatively simple tips and suggestions on this blog for giving your relationship even just a bit more of your focus. Try those that interest you and let me know what you think. Also, if you have any other ideas to share, please email me at nicola(at)trueinsightscoaching(dot)com (using the appropriate symbols instead of the words).