Designate a Date Day

Remember what it used to be like before kids when you could wake up on a weekend morning and know you had the whole day ahead of you to play around with your spouse or partner? You could sleep in. You could fool around (wink, wink) in the middle of the day. You could go out for a leisurely lunch. You could take in a movie without worrying about rushing home. You could get out of the house and the day-to-day life management stuff and just enjoy being together…for an entire day.

Why not do that now? My husband and I had a date day on Friday. Yep, an entire day. Well, from nine in the morning until four thirty in the afternoon, but when you’ve only had a few brief hours alone over the course of months, nearly eight in the same day feels like an entire day.

How did we do it? We both took the day off. Yep, he took the day off because he knew he was going to have to work over the weekend and, being self-employed, I cleared my own calendar for the day. After dropping the kids off at school and day care, which they would have been going to if we were working, we started our date day together.

Did we feel guilty? Mildly.

Did we do it anyway? You betcha!

And what did we do? Well, after kissing in the car wash (yes, we felt like teenagers), we spent the first three hours of our date day negotiating the purchase of our car at a dealership. Were we thrilled with the length of time we were there? Not necessarily. But we were happy to be there together taking care of something we needed to do without two young kids in tow. (Can you even imagine trying to entertain an eight-year-old and three-year-old at a car dealership for three hours?)

After that it was off to a relaxing lunch at a restaurant we’ve been meaning to try. The hostess must have known that this was a special day for us as she sat us at the back table for two, tucked away from the noisy crowd. We’re use to being put in the back of a restaurant, but it’s usually because we have the small kids in tow. Not this time. In fact, not only were our kids not around, but no other kids were either!

Next, we killed some time wandering through a bookstore before heading to a movie. We agreed that we could easily spend an entire afternoon browsing through a bookstore, especially without children asking to buy things or climbing up the shelves.

And then there was the movie. We got a good chuckle when we walked in to an entirely empty theater. Hmmm….perhaps another opportunity to steal some kisses? Not quite, because a few others did show up, but the thought made us both smile.

I can honestly say that I really did feel more connected to my husband at the end of the day. We held hands more. We kissed more. We talked more. We definitely laughed more. And we came home feeling happy about our day, happy about our relationship, and exhausted from a day spent focused on us.

Your Relationship Deserves More

Over and over again I hear from women who I am talking to about the concept of having the best of both worlds—a successful professional life and a fulfilling personal life, with the energy to enjoy it—is how hard it is to stay connected in their marriage with young kids.

Having a successful career or running a successful business takes time, energy and attention. Raising healthy, happy and well-adjusted children takes time, energy and attention. Having a fun and fulfilling relationship takes time, energy and attention. For whatever reasons, the first two usually trump the last when it comes to where you choose to put your time, energy and attention.

However, if you really do want to have the best of both worlds, which includes having a loving, fulfilling and connected relationship with your spouse or partner, you need to start giving that relationship some of your time, energy and attention now. If you don’t, the best case scenario is that you’ll be in a relationship that doesn’t particularly feel good to you. Worst case scenario is that you’ll both feel so disconnected over time that you’ll forget what even brought you together in the first place.

I am going to start offering relatively simple tips and suggestions on this blog for giving your relationship even just a bit more of your focus. Try those that interest you and let me know what you think. Also, if you have any other ideas to share, please email me at nicola(at)trueinsightscoaching(dot)com (using the appropriate symbols instead of the words).

If you don't think your energy influences others, read this

A couple of weeks ago my three year old daughter had two of the biggest tantrums of her life. Perhaps they would be better categorized as melt-downs. Whatever we call it doesn't really matter; if you are a parent, you know what I am talking about. If you are not a parent, imagine high-pitched screams, clenching of fists, repeated yelling of "NO!", lots and lots of tears, kicking legs and flailing arms. You get the picture?

The point is not really about the tantrums, but rather about the timing of the tantrums--which just so happened to occur the night before and the morning of an important speaking gig I had with a large, well-known company. Not only was it an important speaking gig, but it was my first one with them and so there was the added pressure of making a really good first impression.

My daughter is a very happy, usually good-natured child. She has an occasional melt-down when she is hungry, over-tired, or as I've come to realize more often, has different expectations then what is or isn't going to happen (hey, that sounds like me!). So when she does have a melt-down it tends to throw my husband and I off because they don't happen very often. Sometimes we don't know whether to cry because she's so over the top and bringing her down from the ledge is an emotional and physical endeavor we just haven't been training for or to laugh because she's so over the top and, excuse me, can someone please tell us when the devil traded places with our sweet little girl?

But on these particular days I was stressed out.

Bill was across the country for a business trip. On the day he left for the trip I discovered a rodent of some sort had decided to use one of our kitchen drawers as a nest. The landlord had not gotten back to me and the exterminator had also failed to return my phone call. I was feeling under the weather and trying not to think about the fact that I had a horrible sore throat the day before I was being paid to speak. And on top of all of that, I still hadn't decided what I was going to do for my workshop the next day.

Husband out of town + rodent nesting in kitchen + no foreseeable male coming to the rescue (this is where my feminist streak left my body) + important talk + confusion over what I would be saying for important talk + threat of sore throat impacting important talk + need to get to important talk by 8:15 a.m. in the city + no help to get child out the door in the morning + a failure on my part to communicate to child that we would need to get out door in the morning = mommy being a big ball of stressed energy = child being a little ball of stressed energy.

My big ball of stressed energy was not mine to enjoy alone. For along the way this energy disseminated throughout our house and before I could even see what was happening my daughter was expressing her stress in the only way she knew how--two back-to-back tantrums that nearly made me call and cancel the very important speaking gig.

What did I learn:

• That it's helpful to have a good, local exterminator's number on hand in case you ever need it. It took me multiple phone calls to find one, but when I did, I immediately felt my stress level go down.

• How important it is to prepare children for things that are not part of their routine. My daughter is hardly ever woken up in the morning. We head off to day care once she wakes up on her own and leisurely gets ready for the day. Communicating with her the night before about the plan for the morning probably would have changed everything.

• To trust myself when it comes to preparing for a talk or workshop I am leading. Part of why I was so stressed and unsure what I was going to do until the last minute is because I allowed a comment from another speaker to unnerve me, which I then began to question my focus.
  

• That sometimes what seems like a simple physical ailment is really a rather simple emotional or mental ailment. As a dear friend pointed out when I shared with her my concerns around my throat and the talk, her question to me was, "what are you afraid of saying?" Once I determined that I needed to just say want I wanted to say, my sore throat was gone.
  

• How I handle my life directly impacts those around me. I may be thinking that not talking about something that is stressing me out protects my children, but that is simply not true. My attitude, focus, perspective and energy is shared with those around me, whether I say the words or not. Making choices that decrease my own stress means that I am making choices to lessen the by-product stress to my loved ones.
  

Pay Yourself First

I have lived my life caring more about what others want and will think then caring about what I really, really want. In fact, the act of simply turning inward and answering the question, “What do you want?” still feels new and a bit awkward, even though I’ve been practicing on some level for a number of years now. But the more I do it, the more I realize how good it feels and the simpler it makes life.

I could analyze forward and backward why I have a need to please and put others needs and desires (often times assumed needs or desires on my part) above my own, but does it really matter? What really matters is that I have the awareness and with that awareness I can see different choices and take different actions.

Who we are at our core is a person—actually a soul—who knows who we are, what we stand for, what we enjoy and who loves living life fully as a way of uncovering more and more preferences along the way. However, even before we are born we are taught about all that limits us. Our parents have their own fears, expectations and beliefs that are laid out for us to absorb as our own. Over time (and it doesn’t take that long) the pure, limitless core that we are is layered with other people’s crap. From society, the media, our teachers, our parents and friends we are told how the world works and how we are expected to operate in that world. And at the same time we are told, “Be yourself. Be unique.” What conflicting things we are told…

I can remember having a conversation with my mother when I was probably in high school or early college about the difference between being ‘self-less’ and ‘self-ish’. I had been told by one parent that being ‘self-less’ “like Jesus Christ” was what we were to do. I had been shown, by the other parent, that being ‘self-ish’ (as in, do what you want to do and makes you happy) was acceptable.

Didn’t I just get done saying why I had a need to please didn’t matter? Well, it doesn’t really matter, but I share the earlier point to highlight just one of the many ways I received conflicting information while growing up.

And here’s the reason I am writing this post. You’ve heard the concept of “paying yourself first” when it comes to finances, right? The idea is that when you get paid, you should first put money towards your own needs and desires before you pay everyone else you owe.

How about ‘paying yourself first’ in all areas of your life? There are definitely times you need to give to others. If your kid is sick, they need you no matter what. If there is a crisis or tragedy in your family or community, you may feel strongly compelled to put others needs before your own. But what about the little, rather insignificant moments in your life?

When my husband asks where I want to go to dinner, can I stop in that moment and really allow myself to have and speak a preference? If I want to go out with some girlfriends for a drink, but am concerned about leaving my husband on his own with the kids, can I push beyond that concern and still do what I want to do? If someone invites me to something that I really don’t have an interest in doing, can I simply and respectfully decline instead of operating from a place of obligation or ‘shoulds’? If I know I want to go to the gym because I’ll feel better afterwards, can I put that desire ahead of going to the park right then with the family?

Can I first check in with myself, in any situation or moment, and ask “what do you really want?” before asking everyone else?

I still hear the words, “you are being self-ish” in the back of head with each of these simple situations, but at my core I know that ‘paying myself first’ means I’ll have more to give to others along the way.

I know myself too well to know that I’ll always care (at least just a little bit) what others think and will probably often take others needs and wants into consideration. However, my commitment and gift to myself is to not put those needs and wants of others always above my own.

What about you?

How You Live

Have you ever had one of those days where you get a blatant message from the Universe? Not a whisper, but an in-your-face message that is too clear to ignore?

Well, yesterday I got one of those messages. Not once, but two times I was led to two different stories about individuals who have less then 12 months to live and who are choosing to make the absolute most of that time, and sharing their message with others. Both stories are about people who are in their late 30s with young kids. They are in my age range; have children my children's ages. And they are choosing to share the message now, with their family and friends and anyone else who chooses to listen, that no matter the amount of time you have left on this earth, it's yours to live...and how are you going to choose to live it?

If you were told you have less then 12 months to live, what would you do?

When you ask yourself (and answer) this question, not from fear or being morbid, but as a way to see if you are living a life that aligns with your priorities, you can then see what areas to focus some attention for positive change. If you think you would spend more time with family and friends, you can then ask yourself what you can do to start doing that now. If you think you would take that trip to Greece that you've always dreamed of, you can ask yourself what you can do to start moving that dream forward now.

And just for a bit more inspiration....I love the song, How You Live (Turn Up the Music), by the group Point of Grace. The lyrics (below) are a reminder to me as to how I want to live!

Wake up to the sunlight
With your windows open
Don't hold in your anger or leave things unspoken
Wear your red dress
Use your good dishes
Make a big mess and make lots of wishes
Have what you want
But want what you have
And don't spend your life lookin' back

Turn up the music
Turn it up loud
Take a few chances
Let it all out
You won't regret it
Lookin' back from where you have been
Cuz it's not who you knew
And it's not what you did
It's how you live

So go to the ballgames
And go to the ballet
And go see your folks more than just on the holidays
Kiss all your children
Dance with your wife
Tell your husband you love him every night
Don't run from the truth
'Cause you can't get away
Just face it and you'll be okay

Turn up the music
Turn it up loud
Take a few chances
Let it all out
You won't regret it
Lookin' back from where you have been
'Cause it's not who you knew
And it's not what you did
It's how you live

Oh wherever you are and wherever you've been
Now is the time to begin

So give to the needy
And pray for the grieving
E'en when you don't think that you can
'Cause all that you do is bound to come back to you
So think of your fellow man
Make peace with God and make peace with yourself
'Cause in the end there's nobody else

Turn up the music
Turn it up loud
Take a few chances
Let it all out
'Cause you won't regret it
Lookin' back from where you have been
'Cause it's not who you knew
And it's not what you did
It's how you live

'Cause it's not who you knew
And it's not what you did
It's how you live

Resistance = Persistence

My good friend and love and play activist, Jenny Ward, wrote about this on her blog recently as well. I encourage you to read her entry (as well as her entire blog) for much more global, yet personal insights.

What we resist really does persist. I experience this over and over in my life and see it over and over in the lives of my clients.

But what a reminder I got about this concept while at Lindsay's first dentist appointment this week.

Lindsay is a thumb sucker. She has been a sucker since birth. Despite warnings about giving a newborn a pacifier before they have gotten a hang of nursing, we relied on one the first night Lindsay was born. The child wanted to suck and suck, but preferred to do so from something that did not dispense a white liquid into her mouth. From that point on, she was easily soothed with her pacifier, especially for sleep purposes. Of course, as she got older, we started to fret about the time that WE would have to break her of her pacifier habit.

Well, like most things so far, Lindsay decided when that time was going to come and took care of the "weaning" herself. One day I pulled her crib away from the wall to find a pile of pacifiers all dropped in the exact same spot. She was less then a year old, but was clearly telling us that she no longer needed them. Score.

But as quickly as she gave up the pacifiers, she also found her thumb. So here we are, 15 days away from her 3rd birthday and she still loves that thumb. It's gone from being a sleeping, soothing tool to a regular function whenever she has a pony in her hair (she twirls the pony while sucking her thumb) or is in the car or is reading a book or is watching TV. You get the picture.

Bill and I both have been talking to her about it and asking her to "Please take your thumb out of your mouth." I've tried not to make a big deal about it or demand that she stop, but deep down I've been feeling like I need to put a stop to it. What will people think? What will it do to her teeth? What type of germs is she sticking in her mouth each time she does this?

The only question and concern I had for Lindsay's dentist, Dr. Perry, was what to do about the thumb sucking. And do you know what he said?

"The more you fight it, the more she's going to do it."

Um, did I just get a Life Lesson from our pediatric dentist? Sure did. That was worth the $150 for the visit.

Beyond the words of wisdom, the entire experience was really great. We had prepped Lindsay about this visit weeks (maybe even months) in advance with a Dora book about going to the dentist. Dora can teach a kid just about anything. I sure hope they come out with a Dora Tells About the Birds and the Bees version soon. That would sure be helpful on our part.

Lindsay's' biggest concern was why the doctor wasn't a lady doctor like Dora has. Other then that, she was so great about the whole thing. She opened her mouth when instructed. Laid on the table when asked. Wore her protective sunglasses with glee.

As for the thumb, Dr. Perry says they don't consider it a problem until the kid is much other (say 6 on up). However, Lindsay is telling us that when she turns three, she won't suck her thumb anymore. Based on previous examples making her own transition decisions (pacifier, potty training, etc.), she may just be telling us the truth. I'll keep you posted.

I'll post some more about our dentist experience later. I was also reminded about another important lesson while there as well around the benefits of specializing in your business. They've got quite the operation going on. It's no wonder that nearly EVERYONE in Alameda with kids takes them to the Alameda Pediatric Dentistry.

What's Your Word for the Year

I am embarrassed that it has been nearly a month since my last post, especially when my plan was to write once a week at the very least.

However, I will say that part of the reason that I've been MIA is because I took some of my own Tips for Calming the Chaos of the Season to heart. I slowed down, took some deep breaths, spent time connecting with my family, said "no" to a few things (like writing for this blog), and enjoyed the spirit of the holiday season.

Now we are into the second week of 2008 and I am eager and excited for all that is in store!

A couple days before the New Year, I took a few minutes of peace-and-quiet to ask myself what one word would describe the coming year.

What first came to my mind was "growth". I tried to push it aside, thinking that wasn't the word I wanted. I asked again. "Growth". Again and again this word kept popping into my mind. Now it's starting to "grow" on me.

What does this mean? I am not so sure. I am hopeful that this year is one of business growth, personal growth, community growth, family growth, and spiritual growth. What that all looks like, we'll see at the end of 2008!

What's your word for the year? Try this exercise and see what comes up.

1. Find a quiet place without any outside distractions.
   
2. Close your eyes, breathe deeply a few times, clear your mind, and ask yourself what your word for the year is.
   
3. See what first comes to mind. Try not to filter it.
   
4. Sit with it for a few minutes and see how it feels.
   
5. Then take a few minutes to write down your word, what thoughts come to mind about it, how it makes you feel, and what you think it may mean.
   
6. Be aware how this word shows up for you as you go through the next year.

Feel like sharing? Post a comment with your Word for the Year!