How You Live

Have you ever had one of those days where you get a blatant message from the Universe? Not a whisper, but an in-your-face message that is too clear to ignore?

Well, yesterday I got one of those messages. Not once, but two times I was led to two different stories about individuals who have less then 12 months to live and who are choosing to make the absolute most of that time, and sharing their message with others. Both stories are about people who are in their late 30s with young kids. They are in my age range; have children my children's ages. And they are choosing to share the message now, with their family and friends and anyone else who chooses to listen, that no matter the amount of time you have left on this earth, it's yours to live...and how are you going to choose to live it?

If you were told you have less then 12 months to live, what would you do?

When you ask yourself (and answer) this question, not from fear or being morbid, but as a way to see if you are living a life that aligns with your priorities, you can then see what areas to focus some attention for positive change. If you think you would spend more time with family and friends, you can then ask yourself what you can do to start doing that now. If you think you would take that trip to Greece that you've always dreamed of, you can ask yourself what you can do to start moving that dream forward now.

And just for a bit more inspiration....I love the song, How You Live (Turn Up the Music), by the group Point of Grace. The lyrics (below) are a reminder to me as to how I want to live!

Wake up to the sunlight
With your windows open
Don't hold in your anger or leave things unspoken
Wear your red dress
Use your good dishes
Make a big mess and make lots of wishes
Have what you want
But want what you have
And don't spend your life lookin' back

Turn up the music
Turn it up loud
Take a few chances
Let it all out
You won't regret it
Lookin' back from where you have been
Cuz it's not who you knew
And it's not what you did
It's how you live

So go to the ballgames
And go to the ballet
And go see your folks more than just on the holidays
Kiss all your children
Dance with your wife
Tell your husband you love him every night
Don't run from the truth
'Cause you can't get away
Just face it and you'll be okay

Turn up the music
Turn it up loud
Take a few chances
Let it all out
You won't regret it
Lookin' back from where you have been
'Cause it's not who you knew
And it's not what you did
It's how you live

Oh wherever you are and wherever you've been
Now is the time to begin

So give to the needy
And pray for the grieving
E'en when you don't think that you can
'Cause all that you do is bound to come back to you
So think of your fellow man
Make peace with God and make peace with yourself
'Cause in the end there's nobody else

Turn up the music
Turn it up loud
Take a few chances
Let it all out
'Cause you won't regret it
Lookin' back from where you have been
'Cause it's not who you knew
And it's not what you did
It's how you live

'Cause it's not who you knew
And it's not what you did
It's how you live

Resistance = Persistence

My good friend and love and play activist, Jenny Ward, wrote about this on her blog recently as well. I encourage you to read her entry (as well as her entire blog) for much more global, yet personal insights.

What we resist really does persist. I experience this over and over in my life and see it over and over in the lives of my clients.

But what a reminder I got about this concept while at Lindsay's first dentist appointment this week.

Lindsay is a thumb sucker. She has been a sucker since birth. Despite warnings about giving a newborn a pacifier before they have gotten a hang of nursing, we relied on one the first night Lindsay was born. The child wanted to suck and suck, but preferred to do so from something that did not dispense a white liquid into her mouth. From that point on, she was easily soothed with her pacifier, especially for sleep purposes. Of course, as she got older, we started to fret about the time that WE would have to break her of her pacifier habit.

Well, like most things so far, Lindsay decided when that time was going to come and took care of the "weaning" herself. One day I pulled her crib away from the wall to find a pile of pacifiers all dropped in the exact same spot. She was less then a year old, but was clearly telling us that she no longer needed them. Score.

But as quickly as she gave up the pacifiers, she also found her thumb. So here we are, 15 days away from her 3rd birthday and she still loves that thumb. It's gone from being a sleeping, soothing tool to a regular function whenever she has a pony in her hair (she twirls the pony while sucking her thumb) or is in the car or is reading a book or is watching TV. You get the picture.

Bill and I both have been talking to her about it and asking her to "Please take your thumb out of your mouth." I've tried not to make a big deal about it or demand that she stop, but deep down I've been feeling like I need to put a stop to it. What will people think? What will it do to her teeth? What type of germs is she sticking in her mouth each time she does this?

The only question and concern I had for Lindsay's dentist, Dr. Perry, was what to do about the thumb sucking. And do you know what he said?

"The more you fight it, the more she's going to do it."

Um, did I just get a Life Lesson from our pediatric dentist? Sure did. That was worth the $150 for the visit.

Beyond the words of wisdom, the entire experience was really great. We had prepped Lindsay about this visit weeks (maybe even months) in advance with a Dora book about going to the dentist. Dora can teach a kid just about anything. I sure hope they come out with a Dora Tells About the Birds and the Bees version soon. That would sure be helpful on our part.

Lindsay's' biggest concern was why the doctor wasn't a lady doctor like Dora has. Other then that, she was so great about the whole thing. She opened her mouth when instructed. Laid on the table when asked. Wore her protective sunglasses with glee.

As for the thumb, Dr. Perry says they don't consider it a problem until the kid is much other (say 6 on up). However, Lindsay is telling us that when she turns three, she won't suck her thumb anymore. Based on previous examples making her own transition decisions (pacifier, potty training, etc.), she may just be telling us the truth. I'll keep you posted.

I'll post some more about our dentist experience later. I was also reminded about another important lesson while there as well around the benefits of specializing in your business. They've got quite the operation going on. It's no wonder that nearly EVERYONE in Alameda with kids takes them to the Alameda Pediatric Dentistry.

What's Your Word for the Year

I am embarrassed that it has been nearly a month since my last post, especially when my plan was to write once a week at the very least.

However, I will say that part of the reason that I've been MIA is because I took some of my own Tips for Calming the Chaos of the Season to heart. I slowed down, took some deep breaths, spent time connecting with my family, said "no" to a few things (like writing for this blog), and enjoyed the spirit of the holiday season.

Now we are into the second week of 2008 and I am eager and excited for all that is in store!

A couple days before the New Year, I took a few minutes of peace-and-quiet to ask myself what one word would describe the coming year.

What first came to my mind was "growth". I tried to push it aside, thinking that wasn't the word I wanted. I asked again. "Growth". Again and again this word kept popping into my mind. Now it's starting to "grow" on me.

What does this mean? I am not so sure. I am hopeful that this year is one of business growth, personal growth, community growth, family growth, and spiritual growth. What that all looks like, we'll see at the end of 2008!

What's your word for the year? Try this exercise and see what comes up.

1. Find a quiet place without any outside distractions.
   
2. Close your eyes, breathe deeply a few times, clear your mind, and ask yourself what your word for the year is.
   
3. See what first comes to mind. Try not to filter it.
   
4. Sit with it for a few minutes and see how it feels.
   
5. Then take a few minutes to write down your word, what thoughts come to mind about it, how it makes you feel, and what you think it may mean.
   
6. Be aware how this word shows up for you as you go through the next year.

Feel like sharing? Post a comment with your Word for the Year!

Calming the Chaos of the Season

Doesn't it seem like December just snuck up on us? Before we even had time to take the Thanksgiving decorations down, we found ourselves in the midst of menorahs being lit, Christmas carols being sung and presents being wrapped.

We weren't even into the second week of December and people were already saying, "I just need to get through this month." Why is it that we are more focused on "getting through" the holidays then we are on enjoying them?

Before things get too crazy, consider 10 tips for calming the chaos of the season.

1. Slow down.Have you been one to say, "I just need to get through this month?" If so, stop what you are doing right now and think about how that feels. Slow the pace down, even just a bit, and recognize that you have control over how the holidays will feel in your life.
2. Breathe. Now that you've decided to slow down, it's important that you actually breathe. Whenever you feel the pressure increase or the negative thinking appear, take three deep breaths and remember that you get to choose whether these days feel crazy or enjoyable.
3. Get clear about what the purpose of the season is for you. Is it to give gifts or get gifts? Is it to honor your religious traditions? To connect with family and friends? To rejoice in life? Connect to what this time of year really means to you. Hold that purpose in the forefront of your mind as you make decisions about what gifts to buy for whom and which events to say yes to attending.
4. Set your intention as to how you want to BE this season. Now that you know what the purpose of the season is for you, declare how you want to be. Do you want to be joyful, peaceful, inspired, or connected? Or do you want to be stressed, grumpy, frazzled, or distracted? There may be some family or work obligations that you feel you just can't choose to say no to. However, you can choose how you will show up and what you will put out into the world. Choose wisely, as we often attract what we project.
5. Focus more on the “I want to’s” and less on the “I should do’s”. Many of us operate out of obligation, whether we know it or not. Make a list of all the things on your plate this month. Next to each item mark whether you really want to do it or you think you should do it. If you don’t like to do it and you don’t want to do it, challenge yourself to strike it from your list.
6. Simplify. You don’t have to do it all; and you don’t have to do it all perfectly. Streamline your plans; shorten your gift-giving list; ask for help; eliminate the excess.
7. Set gift-giving guidelines. This goes hand-in-hand with the idea of simplifying. When you figure out what you want to do and determine how you are going to go about doing it, you simply the entire gift-giving process. Agree with the relatives that you will exchange only one toy per child. Discuss the idea of doing something with family instead of exchanging gifts that no one wants. Determine how much money you want to spend based on your budget before you begin shopping. Go in with a plan and the process will feel easier and more enjoyable.
8. Shoot for connection, not perfection. When we get caught up in doing it “just so” we all too often are focused on the wrong things. Whether you are decorating the tree, making a holiday meal with your mother-in-law, picking out gifts, or ordering the holiday cards, what is important is the connection you are making with the person or people involved. Let your child hang the ornament wherever he likes, use the time in the kitchen to ask your mother-in-law about her youth, pick out a gift for someone from your heart, and consider what you want those receiving your holiday card to feel when they open it. Whether any of those things turn out perfect is less important then the memory you are creating and the relationship you are nurturing.
9. Give a gift to yourself. This is the season for caring, sharing, and loving. Why not turn a bit of that in your own direction? Instead of waiting for someone else to get you the perfect gift, why not give it to yourself? I am not talking about a material gift, although maybe that would be nice as well. Instead, I am talking about the gift of time. Give yourself some time to slow down, breath, relax, and rejuvenate. It’s the gift that will keep on giving as you will feel more positive and energetic and better able to enjoy the holidays.
10. And did I mention slow down and breathe?
    

Tune Your Tone

Have you ever noticed how the first few seconds of interaction with someone can set the tone for the entire conversation?

I just had one of those reminders from a brief phone exchange with my husband. I had called him at lunchtime with the intention of checking in and seeing how he was doing. I was feeling good about the day and excited about reaching him.

However, it took no longer than 30 seconds of hearing his voice to bring me down. I realize this doesn’t sound so good, but I am being honest. Plus, there’s a point to all of this and hopefully a reminder that we can all use to improve our communication with others.

Little did I know that my husband was having a frustrating morning, but he was and I just so happened to catch him it at a particularly frustrating moment. And it only took me asking the wrong question in the wrong way at the wrong time for him to snap.

He snapped. I got defensive. And the rest of the conversation went downhill from there.

What caught my attention was how the tone of that conversation set off the tone of further conversations with him later in the day. My email regarding some scheduling stuff was “strictly business” instead of my normal loving tone. And even after that we had a brief Instant Message exchange that lacked the intimacy and connection we are use to.

Why did the first 30 seconds of one conversation with my husband impact me so much? Because in our relationship how we are with each other—our level of connection, intimacy and positive exchange—is often the temperature gauge for the other areas of our life. If "we" (our relationship) are off, we both feel off in general.

My husband I have discussed this before. We know that how we greet each other when one of us walks in the door has a huge impact on how the rest of the evening will go. We have both made an effort to remember this and to stop what we are doing, welcome the other person home with open arms and a kiss so that we can help set the tone for a loving and connected evening. It only takes a few moments and it makes such a huge difference.

As for that phone conversation earlier today, my husband has apologized for taking his frustration out on me. We agreed that it wasn’t our best interaction and that we are looking forward to reconnecting when he gets home tonight.

My point: Good relationships take good communication. Good communication doesn’t always come easily…especially when you are tired, frustrated, sick or irritated. Choosing to tune your tone towards the positive when you first connect with someone can mean the difference between a positive and fulfilling conversation or a negative and unsatisfying conversation. Which will you choose?

Menu and Easy Recipe of the Week: Taco Soup

After what felt like too much food and not enough physical activity last week with family in town and in celebration of my husband's birthday and Thanksgiving, we have decided to go with a pretty basic menu this week.

Sunday: Taco Soup (see recipe below)
Monday: Leftover Taco Soup
Tuesday: Baked Salmon with Pesto Marinade, Steamed Asparagus and Pasta
Wednesday: Baked Chicken with Teriyaki marinade, Steamed Broccoli and Brown Rice
Thursday: Cheese Tortellini with Grilled Chicken and Marinara Sauce and Salad
Friday: Pancakes, Eggs, Turkey Bacon and Fruit
Saturday: OPEN

Taco Soup
1 pound ground beef or turkey
1 med onion, finely chopped
2 cans corn, drained (or frozen corn)
2 cans kidney beans, drained
2 cans rotel tomatoes (this is a specific brand with chilies and seasoning included)
2 cans chicken broth (low sodium)
1 packet taco seasoning

Toppings:
Sour cream
Cheddar cheese (grated)
Tortilla chips
Avocado

1. Brown meat in large pan and drain.
2. Combine all ingredients in large pot.
3. Heat through on medium heat until hot.
4. Let each person top with grated cheese, sour cream, avacado and chips (depending on what they like).
   

Notes:

• This soup makes plenty for leftovers or to be frozen.
  
• This soup tends to be even better the second day.
• When made with the Rotel Tomatoes, this soup does have a spicy bite to it. To make it more kid friendly, you can use plain, diced tomatoes without chilies.
  
• If your child(ren) don't like things mixed together, you can also leave out some of the meat, beans, corn and make your child(ren) a plate with a little of everything separated.
  

Worth Passing On

I love reading about The Happiness Project, written by Gretchen Rubin. I thought one of her recent posts was worth passing along, especially during this particularly busy time of year.

Twelve tips for stopping the buzz in your brain.

We all know the feeling of being overwhelmed, of being beset by distractions.

The problem is – too many things are clamoring for your attention. People are trying to reach you, by phone, email, text or IM. There are the interesting subjects you want to learn more about, on the TV or the internet or the newspaper. Noises in the background occasionally catch your ear, from the TV or radio. Your kids all talk at the same time. Colleagues interrupt. You need to update, check in, post, or ping. Ads jump at you from the most unlikely places. Devices ping, buzz, ring, and vibrate.

It’s enough to drive you crazy. You lose your train of thought, you forget what you’re doing, you have trouble re-engaging in a task, you feel besieged.

But there are steps you can take to quiet the buzz in your brain – even if you don’t want to take up meditation.

In addition to feeling calmer and more focused, you’ll probably be more efficient, too. Turns out that people aren’t very good at thinking about two things at once.

A recent study showed that when people responded to email or IM, it took about fifteen minutes for them to resume a serious mental task.

Many of the following suggestions are fairly draconian. “No iPod?!” “A silent cell phone?!” But you’ll notice a difference in your day. Really consider whether you might be able to go a day or a week without some of these distractions.

• If you keep the TV turned on in the background – while you’re getting dressed, say – turn it off.
• Turn off the radio, too. Even in the car.
• Don’t bring your iPod.
• I have a sticky note in my bedroom that reads, “Quiet mind.” Whenever I see it, I drop my shoulders, relax my jaw, and try to smooth out my thoughts. It actually works.
• During family time, divide up your children among adults. If possible, have one child per adult.
• No multi-tasking. Don’t talk on the phone while you’re doing dishes, don’t check your email while you listen to a conference call, don’t sort the mail while your child explains the school project that’s due next week.
• Turn your cell phone ringer off. Hearing your cell phone ring – or even imaging that you’re hearing it ring – is a big source of jumpiness.
• Take a break from doing errands. Keep a list, but don’t try to fit them in throughout your day.
• Stop looking in the mirror for a week.
• Only use the internet to look up a specific piece of information; once you find it, step away from the computer. No jumping from link to link, no browsing.
• Twyla Tharp had an interesting approach: occasionally, for a week, she’d “stop counting.” She avoided looking at clocks, contracts, bank statements, bathroom scales, or anything to do with numbers, in order to let the other part of her brain take over.
• Flee temptation. I find it hard to work in my home office, because my family, the phone, my email, and the internet constantly beguile me away from my work. So I work at the New York Society Library, where I’m not set up for internet and where they enforce a strict rule of silence.

It’s important to have space in which to think.

Yesterday, I overheard someone complain, “I left my Blackberry at home, so I was so bored during my cab ride home. I just had to sit there.”

There are few things that I love more than looking out the window of a taxi. One day, when I was gazing out of a taxi window, I was struck by a thought: “What do I want out of life?” “Well,” I thought, “I want to be happy.” It occurred to me that I never thought about whether I was happy or not, or how I could be happier, or even what it meant to be happy. “Zoikes,” I thought, “I should have a happiness project!”

If I’d been checking my Blackberry, I might never have had the idea for the happiness project.

Written by Gretchen Rubin of The Happiness Project.