Calming the Chaos of the Season

Doesn't it seem like December just snuck up on us? Before we even had time to take the Thanksgiving decorations down, we found ourselves in the midst of menorahs being lit, Christmas carols being sung and presents being wrapped.

We weren't even into the second week of December and people were already saying, "I just need to get through this month." Why is it that we are more focused on "getting through" the holidays then we are on enjoying them?

Before things get too crazy, consider 10 tips for calming the chaos of the season.

1. Slow down.Have you been one to say, "I just need to get through this month?" If so, stop what you are doing right now and think about how that feels. Slow the pace down, even just a bit, and recognize that you have control over how the holidays will feel in your life.
2. Breathe. Now that you've decided to slow down, it's important that you actually breathe. Whenever you feel the pressure increase or the negative thinking appear, take three deep breaths and remember that you get to choose whether these days feel crazy or enjoyable.
3. Get clear about what the purpose of the season is for you. Is it to give gifts or get gifts? Is it to honor your religious traditions? To connect with family and friends? To rejoice in life? Connect to what this time of year really means to you. Hold that purpose in the forefront of your mind as you make decisions about what gifts to buy for whom and which events to say yes to attending.
4. Set your intention as to how you want to BE this season. Now that you know what the purpose of the season is for you, declare how you want to be. Do you want to be joyful, peaceful, inspired, or connected? Or do you want to be stressed, grumpy, frazzled, or distracted? There may be some family or work obligations that you feel you just can't choose to say no to. However, you can choose how you will show up and what you will put out into the world. Choose wisely, as we often attract what we project.
5. Focus more on the “I want to’s” and less on the “I should do’s”. Many of us operate out of obligation, whether we know it or not. Make a list of all the things on your plate this month. Next to each item mark whether you really want to do it or you think you should do it. If you don’t like to do it and you don’t want to do it, challenge yourself to strike it from your list.
6. Simplify. You don’t have to do it all; and you don’t have to do it all perfectly. Streamline your plans; shorten your gift-giving list; ask for help; eliminate the excess.
7. Set gift-giving guidelines. This goes hand-in-hand with the idea of simplifying. When you figure out what you want to do and determine how you are going to go about doing it, you simply the entire gift-giving process. Agree with the relatives that you will exchange only one toy per child. Discuss the idea of doing something with family instead of exchanging gifts that no one wants. Determine how much money you want to spend based on your budget before you begin shopping. Go in with a plan and the process will feel easier and more enjoyable.
8. Shoot for connection, not perfection. When we get caught up in doing it “just so” we all too often are focused on the wrong things. Whether you are decorating the tree, making a holiday meal with your mother-in-law, picking out gifts, or ordering the holiday cards, what is important is the connection you are making with the person or people involved. Let your child hang the ornament wherever he likes, use the time in the kitchen to ask your mother-in-law about her youth, pick out a gift for someone from your heart, and consider what you want those receiving your holiday card to feel when they open it. Whether any of those things turn out perfect is less important then the memory you are creating and the relationship you are nurturing.
9. Give a gift to yourself. This is the season for caring, sharing, and loving. Why not turn a bit of that in your own direction? Instead of waiting for someone else to get you the perfect gift, why not give it to yourself? I am not talking about a material gift, although maybe that would be nice as well. Instead, I am talking about the gift of time. Give yourself some time to slow down, breath, relax, and rejuvenate. It’s the gift that will keep on giving as you will feel more positive and energetic and better able to enjoy the holidays.
10. And did I mention slow down and breathe?
    

Tune Your Tone

Have you ever noticed how the first few seconds of interaction with someone can set the tone for the entire conversation?

I just had one of those reminders from a brief phone exchange with my husband. I had called him at lunchtime with the intention of checking in and seeing how he was doing. I was feeling good about the day and excited about reaching him.

However, it took no longer than 30 seconds of hearing his voice to bring me down. I realize this doesn’t sound so good, but I am being honest. Plus, there’s a point to all of this and hopefully a reminder that we can all use to improve our communication with others.

Little did I know that my husband was having a frustrating morning, but he was and I just so happened to catch him it at a particularly frustrating moment. And it only took me asking the wrong question in the wrong way at the wrong time for him to snap.

He snapped. I got defensive. And the rest of the conversation went downhill from there.

What caught my attention was how the tone of that conversation set off the tone of further conversations with him later in the day. My email regarding some scheduling stuff was “strictly business” instead of my normal loving tone. And even after that we had a brief Instant Message exchange that lacked the intimacy and connection we are use to.

Why did the first 30 seconds of one conversation with my husband impact me so much? Because in our relationship how we are with each other—our level of connection, intimacy and positive exchange—is often the temperature gauge for the other areas of our life. If "we" (our relationship) are off, we both feel off in general.

My husband I have discussed this before. We know that how we greet each other when one of us walks in the door has a huge impact on how the rest of the evening will go. We have both made an effort to remember this and to stop what we are doing, welcome the other person home with open arms and a kiss so that we can help set the tone for a loving and connected evening. It only takes a few moments and it makes such a huge difference.

As for that phone conversation earlier today, my husband has apologized for taking his frustration out on me. We agreed that it wasn’t our best interaction and that we are looking forward to reconnecting when he gets home tonight.

My point: Good relationships take good communication. Good communication doesn’t always come easily…especially when you are tired, frustrated, sick or irritated. Choosing to tune your tone towards the positive when you first connect with someone can mean the difference between a positive and fulfilling conversation or a negative and unsatisfying conversation. Which will you choose?

Menu and Easy Recipe of the Week: Taco Soup

After what felt like too much food and not enough physical activity last week with family in town and in celebration of my husband's birthday and Thanksgiving, we have decided to go with a pretty basic menu this week.

Sunday: Taco Soup (see recipe below)
Monday: Leftover Taco Soup
Tuesday: Baked Salmon with Pesto Marinade, Steamed Asparagus and Pasta
Wednesday: Baked Chicken with Teriyaki marinade, Steamed Broccoli and Brown Rice
Thursday: Cheese Tortellini with Grilled Chicken and Marinara Sauce and Salad
Friday: Pancakes, Eggs, Turkey Bacon and Fruit
Saturday: OPEN

Taco Soup
1 pound ground beef or turkey
1 med onion, finely chopped
2 cans corn, drained (or frozen corn)
2 cans kidney beans, drained
2 cans rotel tomatoes (this is a specific brand with chilies and seasoning included)
2 cans chicken broth (low sodium)
1 packet taco seasoning

Toppings:
Sour cream
Cheddar cheese (grated)
Tortilla chips
Avocado

1. Brown meat in large pan and drain.
2. Combine all ingredients in large pot.
3. Heat through on medium heat until hot.
4. Let each person top with grated cheese, sour cream, avacado and chips (depending on what they like).
   

Notes:

• This soup makes plenty for leftovers or to be frozen.
  
• This soup tends to be even better the second day.
• When made with the Rotel Tomatoes, this soup does have a spicy bite to it. To make it more kid friendly, you can use plain, diced tomatoes without chilies.
  
• If your child(ren) don't like things mixed together, you can also leave out some of the meat, beans, corn and make your child(ren) a plate with a little of everything separated.
  

Worth Passing On

I love reading about The Happiness Project, written by Gretchen Rubin. I thought one of her recent posts was worth passing along, especially during this particularly busy time of year.

Twelve tips for stopping the buzz in your brain.

We all know the feeling of being overwhelmed, of being beset by distractions.

The problem is – too many things are clamoring for your attention. People are trying to reach you, by phone, email, text or IM. There are the interesting subjects you want to learn more about, on the TV or the internet or the newspaper. Noises in the background occasionally catch your ear, from the TV or radio. Your kids all talk at the same time. Colleagues interrupt. You need to update, check in, post, or ping. Ads jump at you from the most unlikely places. Devices ping, buzz, ring, and vibrate.

It’s enough to drive you crazy. You lose your train of thought, you forget what you’re doing, you have trouble re-engaging in a task, you feel besieged.

But there are steps you can take to quiet the buzz in your brain – even if you don’t want to take up meditation.

In addition to feeling calmer and more focused, you’ll probably be more efficient, too. Turns out that people aren’t very good at thinking about two things at once.

A recent study showed that when people responded to email or IM, it took about fifteen minutes for them to resume a serious mental task.

Many of the following suggestions are fairly draconian. “No iPod?!” “A silent cell phone?!” But you’ll notice a difference in your day. Really consider whether you might be able to go a day or a week without some of these distractions.

• If you keep the TV turned on in the background – while you’re getting dressed, say – turn it off.
• Turn off the radio, too. Even in the car.
• Don’t bring your iPod.
• I have a sticky note in my bedroom that reads, “Quiet mind.” Whenever I see it, I drop my shoulders, relax my jaw, and try to smooth out my thoughts. It actually works.
• During family time, divide up your children among adults. If possible, have one child per adult.
• No multi-tasking. Don’t talk on the phone while you’re doing dishes, don’t check your email while you listen to a conference call, don’t sort the mail while your child explains the school project that’s due next week.
• Turn your cell phone ringer off. Hearing your cell phone ring – or even imaging that you’re hearing it ring – is a big source of jumpiness.
• Take a break from doing errands. Keep a list, but don’t try to fit them in throughout your day.
• Stop looking in the mirror for a week.
• Only use the internet to look up a specific piece of information; once you find it, step away from the computer. No jumping from link to link, no browsing.
• Twyla Tharp had an interesting approach: occasionally, for a week, she’d “stop counting.” She avoided looking at clocks, contracts, bank statements, bathroom scales, or anything to do with numbers, in order to let the other part of her brain take over.
• Flee temptation. I find it hard to work in my home office, because my family, the phone, my email, and the internet constantly beguile me away from my work. So I work at the New York Society Library, where I’m not set up for internet and where they enforce a strict rule of silence.

It’s important to have space in which to think.

Yesterday, I overheard someone complain, “I left my Blackberry at home, so I was so bored during my cab ride home. I just had to sit there.”

There are few things that I love more than looking out the window of a taxi. One day, when I was gazing out of a taxi window, I was struck by a thought: “What do I want out of life?” “Well,” I thought, “I want to be happy.” It occurred to me that I never thought about whether I was happy or not, or how I could be happier, or even what it meant to be happy. “Zoikes,” I thought, “I should have a happiness project!”

If I’d been checking my Blackberry, I might never have had the idea for the happiness project.

Written by Gretchen Rubin of The Happiness Project.

My Most Perfect Imperfection

(This is a re-post from an previous blog of mine.)

perfect: complete in all respects; without defect or omission; sound; flawless*
imperfections: a shortcoming; defect; fault; blemish*

Being a perfectionist came in handy in many regards as a busy, child-less professional. I’ve always had high standards and I used my need and desire for things to be ‘just so’ to help me succeed in life.

I now consider myself a recovering perfectionist.

You see, I have spent nearly my entire life trying to be perfect. I know I am not alone in this attempt. I have tried to be the perfect daughter, perfect friend, perfect sister, perfect granddaughter, perfect student, perfect employee, perfect manager, perfect businesswoman, perfect wife, and eventually, perfect mother. Frankly, I have tried to be the perfect person. Constantly attempting to know what I needed to say and do to be seen as 'perfect' or the best by those around me. Not that I wasn't necessarily real or honest (although sometimes I was neither), but rather more of an enigma. Shifting, molding and camouflaging to be what I thought others wanted me to be.

I have made huge strides in challenging my past perfectionism behavior (thanks to a great deal of my own personal growth and coaching training for my business), but I still find myself sometimes slipping into my hold habits of wanting to please others before being true to myself. So it comes as no surprise to me that the Universe dealt me the most 'perfect' situation to test my life lesson of letting go of perfectionism.

Lindsay Campbell Taggart was born with one little ear. One normal. One not normal. One perfect. One not perfect.

I can remember the moment that the nurse showed us her ear after she was delivered. I was still on an adrenaline high from birthing our little girl that, really, it all seems like a dream. "I need to show you a few things about your baby," the nurse said. "As you can see, one of her ears is different...."

Honestly, I don't remember anything else she said after that. I just remember looking at my baby and then looking at my husband and asking him repeatedly, "Is she okay? Is she okay?"

He told me "yes" while he kissed my forehead. I am sure he was trying to convince himself just has much as he was trying to convince me. Over the next few hours, with the excitement of family visiting, Lindsay meeting her big sister and the ear being conveniently hidden behind the tiny, striped hospital-issued hat, I seemed to forget that my baby was not perfect.

The next morning I was harshly reminded as the woman responsible for providing my newborn with her hearing test tells us, "we will only be able to test the ear that's not weird."

Gulp. What? Did I just hear someone call my baby weird? Why my mommy instincts didn't kick in to defend my precious child, I don't know. Perhaps it was the exhaustion. Perhaps it was shock. Perhaps it was denial. Whatever it was, it gave me a taste of what may be in store for us.

The emotions around my baby not being born 'perfect' really didn't hit me until a few days after bringing her home from the hospital. I was sitting on the couch nursing when I looked down, saw my daughter's "lucky ear" (as it was so sweetly named by her grandparents, similar to Nemo's lucky fin) and started sobbing.

Unless you have been a mother yourself, you can not imagine the magnitude of grief felt when you realize that YOUR BABY WAS NOT BORN PERFECT. I know; there are people out there dealing with much worse things. I know the rational and logical side that things "could have been worse." But sometimes you have to deal with the emotion before you can get to the rational side. No matter what you tell yourself or no matter what others tell you, everyone EXPECTS and hopes their baby will be born perfect.

Jump forward two and a half years. I came to realize (rather quickly I must say) over Lindsay's life that we got just what we asked for: a happy and healthy child. In fact, I think (and I admit this is a biased opinion) that she is one of the happiest and healthiest kids around. You will often find her smiling from ear to ear, proud of whatever trick she just mastered or just simply thrilled that you walked into the room.

It has become easy to nearly forget about her ear. She has been diagnosed with a moderate to severe hearing loss on that side, but there has been no indication that it is negatively impacting her development. In fact, during her last speech evaluation at 24 months they told us she was talking at the level expected for a 36-month-old. I mention that not to brag (okay, maybe a little bit), but to make the point that despite what we were originally told or thought, she has already exceeded medical expectations. It's obvious that she is growing, developing and thriving and shows all signs of hearing the world around her just as she should.

I’ll admit, every once in awhile it still hits me and I find myself crying over my daughter’s 'imperfection'. Like the time we met with the craniofacial plastic surgeon to talk about options for both removing the skin tag on Lindsay's face and fixing her little, lucky ear. Perhaps I was more surprised by the reality of what correcting (and I use that word loosely) either of them would entail. Without going into all the detail, let's just say words such as, "arm splints," "multiple surgeries," cartilage from the rib," and "incisions" were thrown out.

And here is my point. My husband and I both left that appointment with the same Knowing. Now is not the time to do anything to "correct" Lindsay's skin tag or ear. As my husband so sweetly said, "What if this is just the way Lindsay is supposed to be?"

My thought exactly. Considering that any of the surgeries would be for cosmetic purposes only, what would I be telling my daughter? "You are not good enough with your imperfection. You were born just they way you were supposed to be...except for your weird ear. Trying to be perfect is better than just being who you are?"

Instead, at this moment, I want my daughter to know that the affirmations I said to her while she was inside me are true.

We are connected. And you are whole. And I love you just as you are. My most perfect imperfection.

*Definitions courtesy of Webster's New World Dictionary, Third Edition

Menu (sort of) and Easy Recipe of the Week: Cranberry Chicken

I believe strongly in the concept of creating structure (i.e. a weekly dinner menu) to ones life in order to provide greater ease and less stress. However, I also believe strongly that flexibility with the structure is necessary in order to go-with-the-flow and roll-with-the-punches of life with small children.

Thus, after a long episode of child sickness, followed by six nights of my husband being out of town, this week is an abbreviated menu which has revolved around ease, ease and more ease.

Sunday: Mac & Cheese with Tuna and Peas (which we didn't end up having last week)
Monday: Leftovers from the weekend
Tuesday: Grilled Cheese and Turkey Sandwiches with Butternut Squash & Apple Soup (thank God for Trader Joe's)
Wednesday: Spinach & Cheese Ravioli with Marinara Sauce, Bread and Salad
Thursday: TBD after my husband comes home tomorrow
Friday: TBD
Saturday: TBD

See how I did that? I didn't have enough energy to figure out what we were going to eat each night this week. I decided that it was okay to simply get through meals until my husband is home tomorrow and then he can provide input, support and back-up. A year ago I would have felt guilty doing this. Not now. Now I am proud of myself for getting through the solo days with my child alive and my sanity in check.

Cranberry Chicken with Rice or Cous Cous
4-6 boneless, skinless chicken breasts
1 bottle French dressing
1 can whole cranberry sauce
1 packet onion soup mix
1 box rice pilaf or cous cous

1. Preheat oven to 375 degrees.
   
2. Mix French dressing, cranberry sauce and onion soup mix in mixing bowl; marinate the chicken in advance if you can (if not, not a problem).
3. Put chicken in baking dish and cover with mixture, making sure to cover all sides of meat.
4. Bake chicken for 50-60 minutes, until chicken is cooked through.
5. While chicken is baking, prepare rice or cous cous as directed on box.
   
6. Steam your favorite green veggie to complete the meal.
   

Three Little Words

I had the pleasure of meeting singer and songwriter, Karen Drucker, recently and have been listening to her positive and inspiring music ever since. There are many of her songs that I really enjoy and which give me a great pick-me-up when I need it. I love the concept behind her song "Three Little Words" off her latest album, SHINE.

The song is about three-word phrases which can mean so much in our lives. As she says, "three little words that can heal my life and help me get out of my way."

Life is good.
Let it go.
Play full out.
Yes I can.
Tell me more.
I am blessed.
Be here now.
I love you.

Here are some more I thought of today:
I deserve it.
Take a breath.
I am sorry.
It's good enough.
I choose this.
Can I help?

Can you think of any more simple, yet powerful 3-word phrases which we should consider saying on a regular basis to ourselves or others?