If you don't think your energy influences others, read this

A couple of weeks ago my three year old daughter had two of the biggest tantrums of her life. Perhaps they would be better categorized as melt-downs. Whatever we call it doesn't really matter; if you are a parent, you know what I am talking about. If you are not a parent, imagine high-pitched screams, clenching of fists, repeated yelling of "NO!", lots and lots of tears, kicking legs and flailing arms. You get the picture?

The point is not really about the tantrums, but rather about the timing of the tantrums--which just so happened to occur the night before and the morning of an important speaking gig I had with a large, well-known company. Not only was it an important speaking gig, but it was my first one with them and so there was the added pressure of making a really good first impression.

My daughter is a very happy, usually good-natured child. She has an occasional melt-down when she is hungry, over-tired, or as I've come to realize more often, has different expectations then what is or isn't going to happen (hey, that sounds like me!). So when she does have a melt-down it tends to throw my husband and I off because they don't happen very often. Sometimes we don't know whether to cry because she's so over the top and bringing her down from the ledge is an emotional and physical endeavor we just haven't been training for or to laugh because she's so over the top and, excuse me, can someone please tell us when the devil traded places with our sweet little girl?

But on these particular days I was stressed out.

Bill was across the country for a business trip. On the day he left for the trip I discovered a rodent of some sort had decided to use one of our kitchen drawers as a nest. The landlord had not gotten back to me and the exterminator had also failed to return my phone call. I was feeling under the weather and trying not to think about the fact that I had a horrible sore throat the day before I was being paid to speak. And on top of all of that, I still hadn't decided what I was going to do for my workshop the next day.

Husband out of town + rodent nesting in kitchen + no foreseeable male coming to the rescue (this is where my feminist streak left my body) + important talk + confusion over what I would be saying for important talk + threat of sore throat impacting important talk + need to get to important talk by 8:15 a.m. in the city + no help to get child out the door in the morning + a failure on my part to communicate to child that we would need to get out door in the morning = mommy being a big ball of stressed energy = child being a little ball of stressed energy.

My big ball of stressed energy was not mine to enjoy alone. For along the way this energy disseminated throughout our house and before I could even see what was happening my daughter was expressing her stress in the only way she knew how--two back-to-back tantrums that nearly made me call and cancel the very important speaking gig.

What did I learn:

• That it's helpful to have a good, local exterminator's number on hand in case you ever need it. It took me multiple phone calls to find one, but when I did, I immediately felt my stress level go down.

• How important it is to prepare children for things that are not part of their routine. My daughter is hardly ever woken up in the morning. We head off to day care once she wakes up on her own and leisurely gets ready for the day. Communicating with her the night before about the plan for the morning probably would have changed everything.

• To trust myself when it comes to preparing for a talk or workshop I am leading. Part of why I was so stressed and unsure what I was going to do until the last minute is because I allowed a comment from another speaker to unnerve me, which I then began to question my focus.
  

• That sometimes what seems like a simple physical ailment is really a rather simple emotional or mental ailment. As a dear friend pointed out when I shared with her my concerns around my throat and the talk, her question to me was, "what are you afraid of saying?" Once I determined that I needed to just say want I wanted to say, my sore throat was gone.
  

• How I handle my life directly impacts those around me. I may be thinking that not talking about something that is stressing me out protects my children, but that is simply not true. My attitude, focus, perspective and energy is shared with those around me, whether I say the words or not. Making choices that decrease my own stress means that I am making choices to lessen the by-product stress to my loved ones.
  

Pay Yourself First

I have lived my life caring more about what others want and will think then caring about what I really, really want. In fact, the act of simply turning inward and answering the question, “What do you want?” still feels new and a bit awkward, even though I’ve been practicing on some level for a number of years now. But the more I do it, the more I realize how good it feels and the simpler it makes life.

I could analyze forward and backward why I have a need to please and put others needs and desires (often times assumed needs or desires on my part) above my own, but does it really matter? What really matters is that I have the awareness and with that awareness I can see different choices and take different actions.

Who we are at our core is a person—actually a soul—who knows who we are, what we stand for, what we enjoy and who loves living life fully as a way of uncovering more and more preferences along the way. However, even before we are born we are taught about all that limits us. Our parents have their own fears, expectations and beliefs that are laid out for us to absorb as our own. Over time (and it doesn’t take that long) the pure, limitless core that we are is layered with other people’s crap. From society, the media, our teachers, our parents and friends we are told how the world works and how we are expected to operate in that world. And at the same time we are told, “Be yourself. Be unique.” What conflicting things we are told…

I can remember having a conversation with my mother when I was probably in high school or early college about the difference between being ‘self-less’ and ‘self-ish’. I had been told by one parent that being ‘self-less’ “like Jesus Christ” was what we were to do. I had been shown, by the other parent, that being ‘self-ish’ (as in, do what you want to do and makes you happy) was acceptable.

Didn’t I just get done saying why I had a need to please didn’t matter? Well, it doesn’t really matter, but I share the earlier point to highlight just one of the many ways I received conflicting information while growing up.

And here’s the reason I am writing this post. You’ve heard the concept of “paying yourself first” when it comes to finances, right? The idea is that when you get paid, you should first put money towards your own needs and desires before you pay everyone else you owe.

How about ‘paying yourself first’ in all areas of your life? There are definitely times you need to give to others. If your kid is sick, they need you no matter what. If there is a crisis or tragedy in your family or community, you may feel strongly compelled to put others needs before your own. But what about the little, rather insignificant moments in your life?

When my husband asks where I want to go to dinner, can I stop in that moment and really allow myself to have and speak a preference? If I want to go out with some girlfriends for a drink, but am concerned about leaving my husband on his own with the kids, can I push beyond that concern and still do what I want to do? If someone invites me to something that I really don’t have an interest in doing, can I simply and respectfully decline instead of operating from a place of obligation or ‘shoulds’? If I know I want to go to the gym because I’ll feel better afterwards, can I put that desire ahead of going to the park right then with the family?

Can I first check in with myself, in any situation or moment, and ask “what do you really want?” before asking everyone else?

I still hear the words, “you are being self-ish” in the back of head with each of these simple situations, but at my core I know that ‘paying myself first’ means I’ll have more to give to others along the way.

I know myself too well to know that I’ll always care (at least just a little bit) what others think and will probably often take others needs and wants into consideration. However, my commitment and gift to myself is to not put those needs and wants of others always above my own.

What about you?

How You Live

Have you ever had one of those days where you get a blatant message from the Universe? Not a whisper, but an in-your-face message that is too clear to ignore?

Well, yesterday I got one of those messages. Not once, but two times I was led to two different stories about individuals who have less then 12 months to live and who are choosing to make the absolute most of that time, and sharing their message with others. Both stories are about people who are in their late 30s with young kids. They are in my age range; have children my children's ages. And they are choosing to share the message now, with their family and friends and anyone else who chooses to listen, that no matter the amount of time you have left on this earth, it's yours to live...and how are you going to choose to live it?

If you were told you have less then 12 months to live, what would you do?

When you ask yourself (and answer) this question, not from fear or being morbid, but as a way to see if you are living a life that aligns with your priorities, you can then see what areas to focus some attention for positive change. If you think you would spend more time with family and friends, you can then ask yourself what you can do to start doing that now. If you think you would take that trip to Greece that you've always dreamed of, you can ask yourself what you can do to start moving that dream forward now.

And just for a bit more inspiration....I love the song, How You Live (Turn Up the Music), by the group Point of Grace. The lyrics (below) are a reminder to me as to how I want to live!

Wake up to the sunlight
With your windows open
Don't hold in your anger or leave things unspoken
Wear your red dress
Use your good dishes
Make a big mess and make lots of wishes
Have what you want
But want what you have
And don't spend your life lookin' back

Turn up the music
Turn it up loud
Take a few chances
Let it all out
You won't regret it
Lookin' back from where you have been
Cuz it's not who you knew
And it's not what you did
It's how you live

So go to the ballgames
And go to the ballet
And go see your folks more than just on the holidays
Kiss all your children
Dance with your wife
Tell your husband you love him every night
Don't run from the truth
'Cause you can't get away
Just face it and you'll be okay

Turn up the music
Turn it up loud
Take a few chances
Let it all out
You won't regret it
Lookin' back from where you have been
'Cause it's not who you knew
And it's not what you did
It's how you live

Oh wherever you are and wherever you've been
Now is the time to begin

So give to the needy
And pray for the grieving
E'en when you don't think that you can
'Cause all that you do is bound to come back to you
So think of your fellow man
Make peace with God and make peace with yourself
'Cause in the end there's nobody else

Turn up the music
Turn it up loud
Take a few chances
Let it all out
'Cause you won't regret it
Lookin' back from where you have been
'Cause it's not who you knew
And it's not what you did
It's how you live

'Cause it's not who you knew
And it's not what you did
It's how you live

Resistance = Persistence

My good friend and love and play activist, Jenny Ward, wrote about this on her blog recently as well. I encourage you to read her entry (as well as her entire blog) for much more global, yet personal insights.

What we resist really does persist. I experience this over and over in my life and see it over and over in the lives of my clients.

But what a reminder I got about this concept while at Lindsay's first dentist appointment this week.

Lindsay is a thumb sucker. She has been a sucker since birth. Despite warnings about giving a newborn a pacifier before they have gotten a hang of nursing, we relied on one the first night Lindsay was born. The child wanted to suck and suck, but preferred to do so from something that did not dispense a white liquid into her mouth. From that point on, she was easily soothed with her pacifier, especially for sleep purposes. Of course, as she got older, we started to fret about the time that WE would have to break her of her pacifier habit.

Well, like most things so far, Lindsay decided when that time was going to come and took care of the "weaning" herself. One day I pulled her crib away from the wall to find a pile of pacifiers all dropped in the exact same spot. She was less then a year old, but was clearly telling us that she no longer needed them. Score.

But as quickly as she gave up the pacifiers, she also found her thumb. So here we are, 15 days away from her 3rd birthday and she still loves that thumb. It's gone from being a sleeping, soothing tool to a regular function whenever she has a pony in her hair (she twirls the pony while sucking her thumb) or is in the car or is reading a book or is watching TV. You get the picture.

Bill and I both have been talking to her about it and asking her to "Please take your thumb out of your mouth." I've tried not to make a big deal about it or demand that she stop, but deep down I've been feeling like I need to put a stop to it. What will people think? What will it do to her teeth? What type of germs is she sticking in her mouth each time she does this?

The only question and concern I had for Lindsay's dentist, Dr. Perry, was what to do about the thumb sucking. And do you know what he said?

"The more you fight it, the more she's going to do it."

Um, did I just get a Life Lesson from our pediatric dentist? Sure did. That was worth the $150 for the visit.

Beyond the words of wisdom, the entire experience was really great. We had prepped Lindsay about this visit weeks (maybe even months) in advance with a Dora book about going to the dentist. Dora can teach a kid just about anything. I sure hope they come out with a Dora Tells About the Birds and the Bees version soon. That would sure be helpful on our part.

Lindsay's' biggest concern was why the doctor wasn't a lady doctor like Dora has. Other then that, she was so great about the whole thing. She opened her mouth when instructed. Laid on the table when asked. Wore her protective sunglasses with glee.

As for the thumb, Dr. Perry says they don't consider it a problem until the kid is much other (say 6 on up). However, Lindsay is telling us that when she turns three, she won't suck her thumb anymore. Based on previous examples making her own transition decisions (pacifier, potty training, etc.), she may just be telling us the truth. I'll keep you posted.

I'll post some more about our dentist experience later. I was also reminded about another important lesson while there as well around the benefits of specializing in your business. They've got quite the operation going on. It's no wonder that nearly EVERYONE in Alameda with kids takes them to the Alameda Pediatric Dentistry.

What's Your Word for the Year

I am embarrassed that it has been nearly a month since my last post, especially when my plan was to write once a week at the very least.

However, I will say that part of the reason that I've been MIA is because I took some of my own Tips for Calming the Chaos of the Season to heart. I slowed down, took some deep breaths, spent time connecting with my family, said "no" to a few things (like writing for this blog), and enjoyed the spirit of the holiday season.

Now we are into the second week of 2008 and I am eager and excited for all that is in store!

A couple days before the New Year, I took a few minutes of peace-and-quiet to ask myself what one word would describe the coming year.

What first came to my mind was "growth". I tried to push it aside, thinking that wasn't the word I wanted. I asked again. "Growth". Again and again this word kept popping into my mind. Now it's starting to "grow" on me.

What does this mean? I am not so sure. I am hopeful that this year is one of business growth, personal growth, community growth, family growth, and spiritual growth. What that all looks like, we'll see at the end of 2008!

What's your word for the year? Try this exercise and see what comes up.

1. Find a quiet place without any outside distractions.
   
2. Close your eyes, breathe deeply a few times, clear your mind, and ask yourself what your word for the year is.
   
3. See what first comes to mind. Try not to filter it.
   
4. Sit with it for a few minutes and see how it feels.
   
5. Then take a few minutes to write down your word, what thoughts come to mind about it, how it makes you feel, and what you think it may mean.
   
6. Be aware how this word shows up for you as you go through the next year.

Feel like sharing? Post a comment with your Word for the Year!

Calming the Chaos of the Season

Doesn't it seem like December just snuck up on us? Before we even had time to take the Thanksgiving decorations down, we found ourselves in the midst of menorahs being lit, Christmas carols being sung and presents being wrapped.

We weren't even into the second week of December and people were already saying, "I just need to get through this month." Why is it that we are more focused on "getting through" the holidays then we are on enjoying them?

Before things get too crazy, consider 10 tips for calming the chaos of the season.

1. Slow down.Have you been one to say, "I just need to get through this month?" If so, stop what you are doing right now and think about how that feels. Slow the pace down, even just a bit, and recognize that you have control over how the holidays will feel in your life.
2. Breathe. Now that you've decided to slow down, it's important that you actually breathe. Whenever you feel the pressure increase or the negative thinking appear, take three deep breaths and remember that you get to choose whether these days feel crazy or enjoyable.
3. Get clear about what the purpose of the season is for you. Is it to give gifts or get gifts? Is it to honor your religious traditions? To connect with family and friends? To rejoice in life? Connect to what this time of year really means to you. Hold that purpose in the forefront of your mind as you make decisions about what gifts to buy for whom and which events to say yes to attending.
4. Set your intention as to how you want to BE this season. Now that you know what the purpose of the season is for you, declare how you want to be. Do you want to be joyful, peaceful, inspired, or connected? Or do you want to be stressed, grumpy, frazzled, or distracted? There may be some family or work obligations that you feel you just can't choose to say no to. However, you can choose how you will show up and what you will put out into the world. Choose wisely, as we often attract what we project.
5. Focus more on the “I want to’s” and less on the “I should do’s”. Many of us operate out of obligation, whether we know it or not. Make a list of all the things on your plate this month. Next to each item mark whether you really want to do it or you think you should do it. If you don’t like to do it and you don’t want to do it, challenge yourself to strike it from your list.
6. Simplify. You don’t have to do it all; and you don’t have to do it all perfectly. Streamline your plans; shorten your gift-giving list; ask for help; eliminate the excess.
7. Set gift-giving guidelines. This goes hand-in-hand with the idea of simplifying. When you figure out what you want to do and determine how you are going to go about doing it, you simply the entire gift-giving process. Agree with the relatives that you will exchange only one toy per child. Discuss the idea of doing something with family instead of exchanging gifts that no one wants. Determine how much money you want to spend based on your budget before you begin shopping. Go in with a plan and the process will feel easier and more enjoyable.
8. Shoot for connection, not perfection. When we get caught up in doing it “just so” we all too often are focused on the wrong things. Whether you are decorating the tree, making a holiday meal with your mother-in-law, picking out gifts, or ordering the holiday cards, what is important is the connection you are making with the person or people involved. Let your child hang the ornament wherever he likes, use the time in the kitchen to ask your mother-in-law about her youth, pick out a gift for someone from your heart, and consider what you want those receiving your holiday card to feel when they open it. Whether any of those things turn out perfect is less important then the memory you are creating and the relationship you are nurturing.
9. Give a gift to yourself. This is the season for caring, sharing, and loving. Why not turn a bit of that in your own direction? Instead of waiting for someone else to get you the perfect gift, why not give it to yourself? I am not talking about a material gift, although maybe that would be nice as well. Instead, I am talking about the gift of time. Give yourself some time to slow down, breath, relax, and rejuvenate. It’s the gift that will keep on giving as you will feel more positive and energetic and better able to enjoy the holidays.
10. And did I mention slow down and breathe?
    

Tune Your Tone

Have you ever noticed how the first few seconds of interaction with someone can set the tone for the entire conversation?

I just had one of those reminders from a brief phone exchange with my husband. I had called him at lunchtime with the intention of checking in and seeing how he was doing. I was feeling good about the day and excited about reaching him.

However, it took no longer than 30 seconds of hearing his voice to bring me down. I realize this doesn’t sound so good, but I am being honest. Plus, there’s a point to all of this and hopefully a reminder that we can all use to improve our communication with others.

Little did I know that my husband was having a frustrating morning, but he was and I just so happened to catch him it at a particularly frustrating moment. And it only took me asking the wrong question in the wrong way at the wrong time for him to snap.

He snapped. I got defensive. And the rest of the conversation went downhill from there.

What caught my attention was how the tone of that conversation set off the tone of further conversations with him later in the day. My email regarding some scheduling stuff was “strictly business” instead of my normal loving tone. And even after that we had a brief Instant Message exchange that lacked the intimacy and connection we are use to.

Why did the first 30 seconds of one conversation with my husband impact me so much? Because in our relationship how we are with each other—our level of connection, intimacy and positive exchange—is often the temperature gauge for the other areas of our life. If "we" (our relationship) are off, we both feel off in general.

My husband I have discussed this before. We know that how we greet each other when one of us walks in the door has a huge impact on how the rest of the evening will go. We have both made an effort to remember this and to stop what we are doing, welcome the other person home with open arms and a kiss so that we can help set the tone for a loving and connected evening. It only takes a few moments and it makes such a huge difference.

As for that phone conversation earlier today, my husband has apologized for taking his frustration out on me. We agreed that it wasn’t our best interaction and that we are looking forward to reconnecting when he gets home tonight.

My point: Good relationships take good communication. Good communication doesn’t always come easily…especially when you are tired, frustrated, sick or irritated. Choosing to tune your tone towards the positive when you first connect with someone can mean the difference between a positive and fulfilling conversation or a negative and unsatisfying conversation. Which will you choose?